Okay, so I've been gone for a while. Originally it was because my computer internet thingy was broken and I needed to fix it. (It's been at least three weeks. I should really get on that...hopefully today.) At first I wanted to fix it, but I just didn't have the time. Then I had the time and just didn't care.
I've been a bit depressed lately, and I'm trying to "snap out of it" as the phrase goes. Like it's that easy. Basically, I'm being stupid and insecure and pushing everyone away. Then, being me, I try to make excuses for myself, you know "If they really liked me, they'd reach out to me." B.S. I know better than that. There is nothing you can count on people to do because they "really like you." People aren't that predictable. Sorry. I'm rambling. In essence, I'm feeling stranded in the middle of Illinois, surrounded by people who barely tolerate me. (Namely the people I live with, though my friends from other suites don't seem that fond of me either.)
I honestly don't know what to do. I've even been tempted to go home a few times, just so that I'd be somewhere...I don't know. Familiar? Comfortable? At least my family likes me. Though now that I think of it, I don't have that many friends at home either. To be precise, I have two, and neither of them will be home until around November/December. The only thing keeping me here is that I really love this college, and the classes I'm in are wonderful. I'm not quite willing to give that up. I don't know. I'm not homesick. I'm just sick of here. No, not even. I'm sick of being sad.
And because I'm sad, and I feel uncertain of the people around me, my shyness is making a vengeful comeback. I'm too stupidly timid to ask my friends to hang out. (I've already asked several of them if they're still my friends. They keep saying yes, but I don't know.) I can't really talk to most of the people in my classes, because I don't know them. I can't really talk to the people on the rugby team. I didn't expect college to cure my problems (It didn't.) but for a while it seemed to ameliorate them. Make them less noticeable. So I started hoping. Then I got idiotic, did asinine things, and, lo and behold, I might as well never have left high school.
Sorry if this is stupid or contradictory or annoying or whatever. It's all I've been thinking about for the past several weeks. I just wanted to get it out somewhere and maybe (if anyone bothers to read it) have a talk with someone with whom I don't have to pretend happiness, or contentment, and with whom I don't get in the way. I can hope, right?